Adventures in Paint Land
It is well past midnight and instead of sleeping, I stand knee-deep in empty paint cans, with blue toes on one foot and an Easter egg purple instep on the other. Both arms ache, and my mind reverberates with the knowledge that my decision to paint my house during Spring Break was really stupid—especially since I had foot surgery four days ago. I reach up to wipe the sweat from my brow and entangle my fingers in yet another clump of white ceiling paint cemented to the few brown hairs left on my scalp. Sadly, I shake my head, disengage my fingers and wonder, for perhaps the millionth time this week, why it is paint and not men that cling to me with such tenacity. At least with men it would be fun getting disentangled; with paint, all I do is pull out one clump of hair after another. If I keep getting ceiling paint on my scalp, I may have to resort to wearing the Platinum Blonde wig I bought six years ago for a Halloween party! At least then I would have some hair left on my head. Sighing softly, I cede victory to the blob of eggshell white ceiling paint and wade through the rabble of paint can lids and painter’s tape to the bathroom so I can dissolve the paint clump with baby shampoo.
Hair loss aside, ceiling paint is actually a wonderful invention. Not only does it turn paper bag brown ceilings back to the color of newly fallen snow, it is also a terrific wallpaper remover. Yes, that’s right. Ceiling paint can help anyone remove wallpaper—especially wallpaper applied with superglue.
I discovered this little gem of wisdom while attempting to remove the second layer of wallpaper in my master bathroom. This particular layer had to have been attached with superglue or liquid nails, because the stupid paper would not come off, no matter what removal application I tried. Normally, wallpaper comes off when saturated with a mixture of five parts white vinegar to one part water. In this instance, however, all the vinegar mixture did was stink up the house. Not one inch of paper came off, even after three applications. My eyes and nose watered like crazy, my stomach kept telling me to drive to the Olive Garden Restaurant for a soup and salad lunch, and my dog kept licking the walls, but not one spec of wallpaper fell off the bloody wall!
It took two days to de-vinegarize the house. During that time, I decided to paint over the last layer and let the next homeowner worry about removing the super-glued paper. Tired, cranky and frustrated, I looked around for something to use as a base coat and spotted a half-empty can of white ceiling paint. The grandfather clock hanging on the wall in the next room bonged three times, and I made my fateful decision. Ceiling paint would work just fine.
Out came the roller and paint tray. I started near the ceiling and by the time I got to the bottom of the wall, I noticed a bubble under the paper at the top. Puzzled, I touched it, and the paper slid sideways beneath my finger! Oh My God! I nearly fell off my whopper-jawed, two-step rickety stool in amazement. It was like magic! Sticky, gummy, smelly magic, but magic all the same. I yanked that paper off the wall quicker than I could blink and slapped on another coat of ceiling paint. Three hours later, I pulled the last frigging piece of wallpaper off that wall. Triumphant at my victory, I smacked my palm against the wall and yelled, “Take that, you bloody wallpaper. That will teach you to resist my efforts.”
Feeling foolish, I shook my now painfully throbbing fingers through the air. I think if walls could laugh, this one would, but at least I taught it who was the boss—me! (Painful fingers aside, of course.)
I am not sure if the texture of ceiling paint weighed down the wallpaper or if the chemical composition of the paint reacted with the wallpaper’s glue, but since that application worked quicker than any other removal trick I know, I decided to adopt ceiling paint as my new modus operandi for removing wallpaper. This method works quicker than the vinegar and water mixture and sure smells a whole lot better. I might even send an e-mail message to the Home and Garden Show Network Designers to see if they know about this little trick. Maybe I’ll get my name mentioned on one of the designer shows like Trading Spaces® or While You Were Out®!
Wallpaper removal was not the only lesson I learned while painting my ceilings and walls. Some additional items I figured out are:
1. Do put down cheap blue tarps on floors and carpet to protect them from paint splatters. The cheap, thin tarps are not good for covering anything outside, but work better than plastic sheets. I got mine for about two bucks per tarp, which is a lot cheaper than six bucks for plastic sheets that tear easily and leave splotches of paint.
2. Do use the newer type of ceiling paint for painting ceilings—especially popcorn ceilings. This paint is much thicker than regular paint and since popcorn ceilings not only suck up wall paint at an alarming rate, the thicker composition of ceiling paint goes further because it is not so quickly absorbed. Also, thicker paint fills in the uneven surfaces of popcorn ceilings better than wall paint.
3. Do use ceiling paint that comes with a supply of temporary color attached to the top of the paint can. The way this works is that you tint the ceiling paint either blue or purple, and that allows you to see where you painted and where paint needs to be applied. The paint color changes back to white a couple of hours after application.
4. Be careful to keep the tint packet inside the rim of the paint can when you squeeze out the tint because it can splatter. The mixture inside the packet is very dark until it mixes with the white ceiling paint. You might want to wear shoes when you mix it in because if you do not, you could end up with a blue toe or purple instep (I am NOT going to tell you how I know this, but I do). Also, you probably ought to know that this tint does NOT wash off with soap and water. It has to wear off and takes several days to disappear.
5. Keep your dog outside while you paint. You don’t want your doggie sitting on the paint can lid and ending up with a blob of white paint attached to fur located in delicate areas. Dogs DO NOT like it when you detach paint from their butt. Ditto for cats, who tend to bite when you try to comb the paint out of the underside of their tails. I have several rows of cat teeth indentations on the tender skin located between the thumb and index finger of my left hand to validate this truth.
6. Painter’s tape is a wonderful invention. However, be warned that the cheaper, store-brand painter tape is not as good as the premium brands. Store name painter tape does not stick well, and if it does stick, when you pull it off the wall, the paint on the wall tends to come off with it, and you have to repaint sections of your wall.
7. It is not a good idea to paint the inside of your house four days after foot surgery. Your foot tends to swell up, throb painfully, and your doctor is definitely NOT HAPPY when you hobble into his or her office with a paint-covered bandage and little bits of paint stuck between the layers of gauze that are supposed to protect the surgical incision. Paint can also cause a very painful infection at the incision site, so don’t paint after having foot surgery!
When I finish painting my last room, I plan to burn my paint brushes and paint rollers in a big bonfire in the back yard. And, the next time I am forced to paint any part of a room or house, I plan to do it the old-fashioned way—hire a good-looking painter to do it for me. Not only will that be easier on my tired, decrepit old body, it might even be easier on my eyes!